Re: Kol Isha

[WINSTON WEILHEIMER <nusach...>]

>Responding to the message of <004601c099c8$11187ba0$c4a7aec7 (at) ELNzelwel>
>from jewish-music (at) shamash(dot)org:
> >
> > > In my view (and many others agree), Judaism has survived only use it 
>has accepted change,
> >
> > Marvin- 2 words- Intermarriage Rate. I don't think Judaism is really
> > surviving in America!
> >
>Like Halachah, the reasons behind the high rate of intermarriage are 
>subject to many interpretations.  We're getting way off the subject of 
>music, so I'll be brief.
>
>The liberal movements in Judaism preceeded the recent wave of intermarriage 
>by many decades and thus they cannot in and of themselves be the reason for 
>it.  It is entirely possible that the liberal movements in Judaism are one 
>of the reasons American Jewry has flourished as long as it has.  Couldn't 
>it be that the some of the more rigid elements of Jewish practice and 
>attitude are what drive some Jews out of the faith and into relationships 
>that jeapordize their
>continuing relationship to our community?

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ok...cant hold back any longer...funny how the same topics come up on 
different lists from entirely different people at about the same 
time....this was a response i gave on a list called the Other Shul (as in 
the one I don't attend...)
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TOVA, Conservative Rabbi's will not perform an intermarriage.  Many Reform 
rabbi's will not either.  Conservative shuls will not allow (part of the 
agreement to be conservative and belong to JTS) non Jews to sit on the board 
or hold elective office.  I do not know if this holds with the Reform 
movement.

I have explained my POV on this board in the past, but will do so again,
hoping that there is an understanding and I won't get flamed too badly (but 
I can take it if I do).

In my shul, non Jewish partners are welcomed and encouraged to participate 
to some degree.  They are not shunned or made to feel second class.  I will 
not call a non Jew up to the Bimah by themselves.  If there is a family 
event, and the non Jewish partner wishes to be included on the Bimah, they 
accompany the Jewish partner who is the one that is called up.  I do feel it 
is inappropriate for the non Jewish partner to give a blessing or to have an 
aliah.

However, in the case of a bar/bat mitzvah, baby naming, anniversary
celebration etc, when the Jewish partner says the Shehecheyanu in Hebrew, I 
repeat it in English, and I do not feel any inappropriateness for the non 
Jewish partner to thank G*d for reaching the occassion in health and 
therefore they often repeat the english along with everyone else.

I am in a unique situation here in Florida as I can perform marriages under 
my seal as a notary.  I do perform intermarriages when called upon in a 
"Jewish style" using the notary seal.  I will NOT do a joint wedding with 
non Jewish Clergy.

I have come to realize that we no longer live as a society in a shtetl.
Things are going to happen.  If, as our Orthodox brethern do, we could
control the lives of our children and who they meet it would be a different 
story.  But even in the orthodox world, this is not an unknown occurance.  
All we can do is our best to raise our children the way we would want them 
to grow with our values.  However, the reality is such that in our modern 
day and age, our children are exposed to many different cultures and WILL 
meet people of the opposite sex who are not Jewish.  Unless you totally 
insolate them romance will happen.  Many will not entertain the notition of 
dating non Jewish people and will avoid it at all costs.  However many will 
not.  Chemestry between people being what it is, many will be attracted and 
fall in love.

It has happened in my family.  When it did, I went through all of the
recriminations and hysterical fits that you would expect.  I blamed myself 
(where did i fail her), my wife, and my child.  I went through the 
arguements and the threats.  I went through the crying and the mourning.

How could my child do this to me (as if she fell in love on purpose to
punish me for something?) and to the Jewish people.

I went to a very wise Rabbi, and we had a long counceling session (I had
worked with him for many years and worked in his congregation as teacher, 
and youth leader).  He is a conservative Rabbi and will not do an interfaith 
wedding himself.  After about an hour he asked the ONE question that turned 
my life around.  It became clear as a bell.  The focus of the hour had been 
to take the guilt off my shoulders, and away from "what did I do wrong!".

The question was "Are you now willing to turn your back on your own flesh 
and blood and possibly never see her again, and give up your emotional 
investment in her, or are you going to emotionally support your daughter in 
her life and be part of her new family?"  The answer was immediate.  It was 
a wake up call for me!

I know that many in the orthodox community would answer differently from me.

For me it was a no brainer.  My entire POV changed with the question and
the answer was clear.

I have come to realize that for those who do intermarry, the ONLY hope for 
Jewish survival is to work with them and not put up walls.  To turn her away 
was to shut her out of our lives and drive her away from Judaism.  There 
would be no turning back and would leave her scarred for life.  There would 
be no Jewish grandchildren, and my life would have become an empty shell.

There would have been bitterness that would tear assunder my entire family 
structure.  This I could not let happen.

Two weeks ago we celebrated the bar mitzvah of her oldest child.  She has 
three more to become bar mitzvah.  He learned Trop and helped conduct the 
service.  Family and friends came from all over the US.  It was the biggest 
nachas so far in my life....Including the marriage of my children. Her 
husband supports her in her Judaism, he goes to shul with her, the children 
are in Hebrew school and will grow up to be a credit to the Jewish 
community.

NONE of this would have happened if I had turned my back on her and sat 
Shivah.

The orthodox are correct.  Intermarriage and assimilation are definately big 
threats to our survival.  Turning away those who choose to intermarry is as 
big a threat.  It leads to hatred and bigotry.  Our only hope (IMHO) is 
through love and working to keep the family in a Jewish fold (whatever that 
means and whatever it takes).

I know that I have opened myself to vast critism from the orthodox on this 
list, but this is not the first time that I have told this story on the 
list.  Please no arguements...it is tax season, and I need to get work done.

Besides, I am not going to change on this anyhow.  I do welcome discussion
and the opinion of others.
winston

(there i got that off my chest....your choice...continue to discuss or go 
back to music!)


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