those little problems

[Joshua Horowitz <horowitz...>]

Dear Alice,

Hemorrhoids, hm. I know what you mean. It's an itchy scratchy problem
and for those of us who have careers which are played out in public it
can be very sensitive indeed. Gee, I don't know what to tell you except
how I deal with them when on the stage. You see, the audience usually
interprets excessive movement while playing music as a sign that you're
really into it, so when that familiar tickling creeps up in that
familiar place, I just do what I call the "Tina Turner Twitch," you
know, where you kinda squirm from side to side rubbing left and right
cheek together. Or if you are in a standing position while singing, do
the Travolta fig leaf thing, where you put your hand in front of your
groin, then bend over really fast, throw your head so your hair flies
from the back over the top. At that moment, the audience can't see your
hand anymore (you're bent over with your hair covering everything, and
the audience has already seen your hand go down there, so they think its
just part of the act), so you can sneak in a quick SCRATCH.......and
don't underestimate that scratch either - it can really make the
difference between a good show and a disaster! But thing is, you gotta
practice the maneuver before you go out, because it does require some
deftness and you never know when you're gonna need it so it has to be
automatic enough to be able to whip out at a moments notice. And DON'T
forget to leave your hair untied before you go out.

As for picking your nose at stoplights- who doesn't? I mean, if we're
all really honest with each other, let's admit it. Everyone does it!
I'll confess something to you  -  practically every time I reach a red
light, something just automatically goes off somewhere in my right
cortex. Its wierd. My left index finger just kinda shoots up to my right
nostril in a sort of Pavlovian reflex. I can't control it , and to tell
you the truth, I honestly don't see why I should. 

I'd love to go on about this - it's very cathartic, actually, but
there's some interesting themes that have just been brought up on the
Jewish music list and I have some ideas I want to write in about, so
I'll sign off now. 

Oh, but before I forget - about the other things you brought up, let me
just give you a quick answer before I go - The bubbles in the bathtub
thing: I think its like the red light syndrome, above. Everyone likes it
but no one admits it. Some of my most creative ideas come right at that
"precious bubbly moment." I wouldn't try to repress it. Kids don't, so
why should we grownups. Besides, all that gas has to come out sometime,
or else you get whatever its called (my bubbe has some word for it, but
I can't remember right now - Furtsenshtup or something like that). Just
be sure you're alone. It's taken awhile for me to learn, but it's
created some real longevity problems in my relationships. I guess not
everyone wants you to share that particular pleasure with them. Or maybe
I just haven't found the "right" one yet. 

Kisses all over your plump sensitive parts, Josh

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