[HANASHIR:11149] Re: HANASHIR digest 1501

[Ellen Allard <ellen...>]

The issue that Linda raises (regarding unruly children at services) is one
that I am confronted with regularly. As a Tot Shabbat leader, and as a
children's concert performer, I have very definite opinions about this.

There are a number of ways to approach the unruly child problem. I think the
first approach is to try and get your message across without directly
confronting the child or the parents. Therefore, I agree wholeheartedly with
Rabbi Weilheimer's response. One might say it is a sort of "under-the-radar"
way of getting the message across. And I've seen that tactic work
effectively. It gives a message to the parents and the children, without
speaking to them directly.

However, having said that, if it doesn't work, another effective method is
to slowly walk to the child, during a part of the service that you are able
to do so, bend down to his/her level, look him right in the eyes, and
quietly tell him that his loud voice is interrupting your work on the pulpit
(or making it hard for you to help the other people with their prayers....or
whatever you want to say that will explain your difficulties) and that you
need him to be quiet during the service. This might or might not annoy the
parents, but that is another issue.

The third thing I'd like to say is that, after leading Tot Shabbat services
for many years, and after performing for large groups of children (and
sometimes parents), I don't understand why people want to coddle parents.
There are SO many parents who are so lenient with their children. Parents
think nothing of allowing a child to misbehave, to act out-of-line during a
service or a concert. I know there is concern about "losing" congregants.
But frankly folks, why haven't we raised the bar when it comes to how people
behave? My suggestion is that you take the parents aside privately and
explain the situation to them. Gently but firmly. Unless the child has an
actual problem (autistic, for example) and even then, there has to be some
awareness on the part of the parents in terms of how the childs' behavior is
affecting others, then you have every right, as a leader of your
congregation, to confront the parents and let them know that their child's
behavior is unacceptable. We are leaders, not just songleaders, but people
leaders and we must help others understand, by modeling and by explanation
when necessary, that they are part of a bigger whole, that their behavior
matters. It is unfortunate that this is the case. But it is endemic across
our society. I see it during Tot Shabbat services, and my husband and I see
it CONSTANTLY during our concerts. This complaint is echoed by other early
childhood professionals across the country. I know it might sound harsh, but
I believe we must address the situation in as firm a manner as possible.
Yes, you might lose some congregants. But you will be doing the right thing
for the bigger society as a whole.

And yes, there are certainly situations where you can creatively involve the
children during the service. As a teacher, I completely understand and
appreciate that approach. But I also want to drive home the message that we
also must help people/congregants/parents understand the need for them to
act appropriately in regards to the bigger group of which they are a part.
As baseball gets into full swing, you should pardon the pun, might I suggest
that we all step up to the plate and do our part?

Ellen Allard
Worcester, MA






Specializing in Music for Young Children
Ellen (at) PeterandEllen(dot)com
***********************
For information on our award-winning recordings, children's concerts, and
teacher workshops, visit http://www.PeterandEllen.com or call tollfree
1-888-746-4481
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----------
>From: "Jewish Songleading/Music" <hanashir (at) shamash(dot)org>
>To: "Jewish Songleading/Music" <hanashir (at) shamash(dot)org>
>Subject: HANASHIR digest 1501
>Date: Wed, Mar 13, 2002, 3:00 AM
>

> There are times that new people come or that a two year old gets "antsy"
> We had a bar/bat mitzvah service several weeks ago that this happened.
> After it "got to me" I simply made the general announcement (there were lots
> of kids that night) that we would now have a time to meditate as families
> and that all children were to return to their parents, and all parents were
> to gather their children to silently meditate together and in doing so as a
> congregation we could all gain in our collective kavanah...then i asked
> everyone to rise and meditate silently.  the parents with the unruly kids
> got the message!  some took theirs outside for a few minutes to allow
> everyone to meditate and others just gathered them under their arms or held
> their hands.

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