OT: How To play The Saxophone

[Lori Cahan-Simon <l_cahan...>]

  I hope all of you saxophonists read the following and study it well.
With love,
Lorele

First things first: If you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the
more stupid the better and preferably a beret.

Sunglasses are optional, but all the really, really good players wear them,
especially indoors.

You'll also need some "gig shirts"-Hawaiians are good, but in a pinch
anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T-shirts from
various jazz clubs and festivals. The good thing about the latter is that
you can get them mail order so you don't have to go to all the trouble of
actually seeing and hearing live music. And sandals are an absolute must,
even in winter.

Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of 
the
most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the
audience. This you do through various facial expressions.

The two emotions you'll need to convey are (1) rapture / ecstasy and (2)
soul wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues).   You may find it useful
in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for
example, to convey rapture, try thinking of something nice-like puppy dogs
or getting a rim job from Uma Thurman while Phil Barone feeds you Armour 
hot
dogs with truffle sauce.

To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really appalling-like
ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin.

You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least
two hours per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get
the chicks if you don't jump around on stage like a monkey-with your face
screwed up like there's a rabid wolverine devouring your pancreas.  And,
bottom line, getting chicks is really what music's all about.

Next, you'll need the correct ligature.

Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid old piece of metal 
that
holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots.  Besides
your beret, the ligature  is the single most important piece of musical
equipment you will ever buy.

Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium
and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would
if Booker Ervin wasn't (1) dead and/or (2) living on Mars.

You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the
proper ligature, but in the end it definitely will be worth it.

Now reeds.  Optimally, you'll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own
cane, and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior"
however, you can get by with store-bought.

First, buy ten boxes of reeds -100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and
throw away 60 reeds.

Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture
of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for a period of
17 weeks.

Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy.

Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with
#1200 grade 3M sandpaper.

Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked.

Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time
however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing
alcohol.

Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial
latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles.

You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one
only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.

Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind 
it is
I'd sell it immediately and get a different one.

The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14,
1963, serial number 635543.  If you can't get that one though generally
speaking the older and more expensive the better.

The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI.  The following brands
suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA,
Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf,
Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you
buy it: go strictly on reputation  and price.

You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of 
withstanding
atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the
density of air and the acceleration due to  gravity at the altitude of the
air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and
infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination
alto-tenor-baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute,
english horn and bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play-along
record ever created; a reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope,
pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig
with digital delay and parametric EQ; and a 200 watt (per channel, minimum)
amplifier and 18" monitor.

It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately,
listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can
do.

To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to 
the
beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with
madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century, pay 
particular
attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey, Sidney Bechet, and Al Gallodoro who
are the foundations of the modern jazz  saxophone.

In no time at all, or by 2034-whichever comes first-you'll be able to
understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots
Randolph, and Sam Butera.

Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your 
fingers
around.

You can now hear Lori's new CD, Songs My Bubbe Should Have Taught Me; Vol.1: 
Passover, at: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/lcahan Only $15 & postage. Email me for 
more info.
 



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