Re: How To play The Saxophone

[Dick Rosenberg <mashke...>]

And I thought this was a secret known only to us saxophonists.

Dick Rosenberg

----- Original Message -----
From: "Lori Cahan-Simon" <l_cahan (at) staff(dot)chuh(dot)org>
To: "World music from a Jewish slant" <jewish-music (at) shamash(dot)org>
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 4:01 PM
Subject: OT: How To play The Saxophone


>   I hope all of you saxophonists read the following and study it well.
> With love,
> Lorele
>
> First things first: If you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the
> more stupid the better and preferably a beret.
>
> Sunglasses are optional, but all the really, really good players wear
them,
> especially indoors.
>
> You'll also need some "gig shirts"-Hawaiians are good, but in a pinch
> anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T-shirts from
> various jazz clubs and festivals. The good thing about the latter is that
> you can get them mail order so you don't have to go to all the trouble of
> actually seeing and hearing live music. And sandals are an absolute must,
> even in winter.
>
> Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of
> the
> most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the
> audience. This you do through various facial expressions.
>
> The two emotions you'll need to convey are (1) rapture / ecstasy and (2)
> soul wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues).   You may find it
useful
> in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for
> example, to convey rapture, try thinking of something nice-like puppy dogs
> or getting a rim job from Uma Thurman while Phil Barone feeds you Armour
> hot
> dogs with truffle sauce.
>
> To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really appalling-like
> ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin.
>
> You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least
> two hours per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never
get
> the chicks if you don't jump around on stage like a monkey-with your face
> screwed up like there's a rabid wolverine devouring your pancreas.  And,
> bottom line, getting chicks is really what music's all about.
>
> Next, you'll need the correct ligature.
>
> Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid old piece of metal
> that
> holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots.  Besides
> your beret, the ligature  is the single most important piece of musical
> equipment you will ever buy.
>
> Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium
> and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would
> if Booker Ervin wasn't (1) dead and/or (2) living on Mars.
>
> You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the
> proper ligature, but in the end it definitely will be worth it.
>
> Now reeds.  Optimally, you'll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own
> cane, and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior"
> however, you can get by with store-bought.
>
> First, buy ten boxes of reeds -100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and
> throw away 60 reeds.
>
> Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture
> of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for a period of
> 17 weeks.
>
> Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy.
>
> Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with
> #1200 grade 3M sandpaper.
>
> Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked.
>
> Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time
> however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing
> alcohol.
>
> Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial
> latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles.
>
> You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each
one
> only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.
>
> Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind
> it is
> I'd sell it immediately and get a different one.
>
> The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14,
> 1963, serial number 635543.  If you can't get that one though generally
> speaking the older and more expensive the better.
>
> The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI.  The following brands
> suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball,
LA,
> Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf,
> Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you
> buy it: go strictly on reputation  and price.
>
> You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of
> withstanding
> atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the
> density of air and the acceleration due to  gravity at the altitude of the
> air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and
> infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination
> alto-tenor-baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute,
> english horn and bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play-along
> record ever created; a reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope,
> pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig
> with digital delay and parametric EQ; and a 200 watt (per channel,
minimum)
> amplifier and 18" monitor.
>
> It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately,
> listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can
> do.
>
> To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to
> the
> beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with
> madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century, pay
> particular
> attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey, Sidney Bechet, and Al Gallodoro
who
> are the foundations of the modern jazz  saxophone.
>
> In no time at all, or by 2034-whichever comes first-you'll be able to
> understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots
> Randolph, and Sam Butera.
>
> Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your
> fingers
> around.
>
> You can now hear Lori's new CD, Songs My Bubbe Should Have Taught Me;
Vol.1: Passover, at: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/lcahan Only $15 & postage.
Email me for more info.
>
>
>
>
>
>


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