Re: Fwd: Sidemen

[Lori Cahan-Simon <l_cahan...>]

> AND GOD CREATED SIDEMEN
>
>  And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable
>
>  Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; For in those days
> there
>  were not many, and those that he could find were already working;
> Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig
> at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing team
> of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago. So Nebulon did return to the Lord
> and and rent his clothing and saith,
>  Lord, there are many musicians, but no Sidemen! And the Lord did say,
>
>  Shmuck! Have you looked everywhere? Did you call the Union?
>  And Nebulon did say, Lord, I have looked high and low, especially
> low, and
>  only one or two could I find. What shall I do? And the Lord did
> afflict Nebulon with boils, saying, Leave me to think on this! And
> just to buy some time
>  he did also visit a plague of locusts on Egypt. And the Lord did
> summon
>  a league of Angels, and sent them forth over theland, commanding them
> to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels did go to the four corners of
> the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could find was one
> holy man in India who did play the horn with the slide. So with great
> fear the Angels did return to the Lord
>  with the bad news, and filled with wrath he was.How can this be? At
> one
>  time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does with
> maggots!
>  And the Angels did say, Lord, many left the business, many have
> become
>  idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work
> for
>  another Leader. So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he
>  thought, and the answer came to him. And he called the angels
> together and
>  said unto them,Do we not have a factory, that was of the Beasts Of
> The Field,
>  Inc., a division? And is it not true that this factory no longer is
> used
>  to make that for which it was built? And the angels answered him
> saying, Yes, Lord. For You had ordered us to create golems, for which
> it was found there was no great demand, and You were filled with a
> mighty wrath and ordered us not
>  forsake market surveys nor focus groups in the future.
>  And the operation was closed down with great wailing and desolation
> for
>  many jobs were lost. And He said, Come. Let us retool, and start
> turning
>  out Sidemen. And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off
> the
>  line of assembly. But a remnant of the golem program remained, and
> the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and
> stuttered, some talked to
>  themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe.Some refused
> to
>  shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to
> wear
>  the Jobbing Toga. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in
> their
>  chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons
> past,
>  with ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land
>
>  aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of
> the
>  hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some
>  loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp. And some
> were
>  created without ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows
> should be.
>  And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette,
> and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal food from the buffet
> line, yea, even
>  before the Guests had dined. And some did try to lay with the Chick
>  Singers, and some with the Guests. And some did not Read, and some
> could only
>  Read, and not Blow. And some had no social skills, and some had no
>  musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of
> the skin, but
>  in the Outlook on Life. But every once in a while the line did
> produce
>  a Perfect Sideman; One who followed orders without question;
>  One who showed up on time; One who wore the Toga; One whose chariot
> always ran; One who Knew Tunes; But these Perfect Sidemen were few and
> far
>  between, and besides their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned,
> for
>  they were Boring, and knew not how to Hang. And soon the land teemed
> with
>  Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs, complaining and whining and
>  arguing and occasionally stabbing each other in the back. And the
> Lord looked down upon his work, and said, It will do.

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