Off-topic: Trumpet Player Fines

[Lori Cahan-Simon <l_cahan...>]

>
>
>     Subject: Trumpet Player Fines
>
>     MUSICAL OFFENSES:
>
>     Obnoxious show-offy warm up                   $20
>     Vibrato on unison passage                        $50
>     Failure to swing                                           $1000
>     Sound checking section mike with obnoxious jazz licks  $15
>     Paying highest note possible during warm-up                  $10
>     Raising hand after making a mistake        $15
>     Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig            $15
>     Failure to use third valve slide when necessary               $50
>     Being told by conductor to play louder        $400
>     Taking tuning note up an octave                  $25
>     Taking tuning note up 2 octaves                  $25000
>     Playing Bb when band tunes to A                $75
>     Blacking out after high note                          $20
>
>     LEAD PLAYERS:
>
>     Changing mouthpieces mid-song
>                                           $15
>     Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig that day  $25
>     Faking section into early entrance
>                                           $10
>     Faking self into early entrance
>                                                 $20
>     Asking leader if its okay to take lick up
>                                   $25
>     Asking leader if its okay to take lick down
>                              $400
>     Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal                $100
>
>     NON-LEAD PLAYERS:
>
>     Missing entrance when lead player drops out on unison    $15
>     Hanging over past lead player on last chord
>                            $100
>     Attempting unassigned high lick lead player biffs                $50
>     Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses                      $75
>     Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took passage up  $20
>     Attempting to out-screech lead player on last chord            $100
>     Successfully out-screeching lead player at any time            $500
>
>     EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
>     Dropping mute                                 $10
>     Dropping horn                                  $20 (+repairs )
>     Forgetting pencil                              $20
>     Forgetting mutes                               $50
>     Forgetting bow ties or socks            $30
>     Forgetting mouthpiece                      $30
>     Playing screw-on rim                          $10
>     Blaming mistake on sticky valve        $25
>     Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell  $75
>     Polishing horn on-stage                     $15
>
>     CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
>
>     Quoting Herb Alpert or Chuck Mangione song       $25
>     Casual mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater
>     that you also play keyboards                                     $100
>     Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days  $50
>     Farting on the bandstand
>                                                $25
>     Taking a dump on the bandstand                               $75
>     Talking about great deal on your new horn                $10
>     Hawking an old horn on the bandstand                      $15
>     Having a nicer gigbag than the rest of the section   $10
>     Practicing legit style on commercial gig                    $35
>     Beginning sentences with "When I played for Kenton"  $50
>
>     BASIC STUPIDITY:
>
>     Playing on a Jet-Tone mouthpiece                               $20
>     Playing on a "Gold-Plated" Jet-Tone mouthpiece       $100
>     Continuously asking "Where are we?"                           $25
>     Drunkenness on gig
>                                                             $25
>     Stonedness on gig
>                                                              $50
>     Sobriety on gig
>                                                                   $75
>     Sitting next to the leader at pre/post gig meal            $100
>     Pretending to be friends with bone players                 $10
>     Actually being friends with bone players                      $20
>     Dating bone players
>                                                           $75
>     Loaning money to a bone player       (OOPS)            amount loaned
>
>
>     Never ask a man what instrument he plays. If he plays trumpet,
>     he'll tell you. If not,
>     there's no need to embarrass him.
>
>
>     There are 2 sides to a trumpeter's personality. There is the one
>     that lives only to lay
>     waste to the woodwinds and strings, leaving them lying blue and
>     lifeless alongside the
>     swath of destruction that is the trumpet's fury. And then there's
>     the dark side.......
>

-- 
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