nu, you should laugh a little already

[Lori Cahan-Simon <lsimon...>]

>A priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
>After a while the priest opened a conversation by saying,"I know that, in
>your religion you're not supposed to eat pork.... have you actually ever
>tasted it?" 
>the Rabbi said,"I must tell you the truth. I have on the odd occasion
>eaten
>pork." 
>Then the Rabbi asked, "In your religion I now you are supposed to be
>celibate. But have you ever....?"
>
>The priest replied. "I know what you are going to ask. And yes. I
>succumbed
>twice in my life." 
>
>The Rabbi was silent for a while and then he said, "Lots better that
>pork,
>isn't it??"
>_______________
>
>Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
>         My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
>     The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
>         Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
>     But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
>         There was nothing but boredom all over town.
>     The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
>         There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
>     A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
>         But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
>     Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
>         With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
>     And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
>         My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
>     So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots --
>         To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
>     We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
>         And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
>     The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
>         While visions of wontons danced through our kops.
>     We hopped off a Park Street; the Common was bright
>         With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
>     Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
>         And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
>     At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
>         Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,
>     In search of a restaurant: "Which one?  Lets decide!"
>         We chose "Hunan Chazer," and ventured inside.
>     Around us sat others, their platters piled high
>         With the finest of foods their money could buy:
>     There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
>         Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
>     Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,
>         And General Tso's chicken and ma po tofu....
>     When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
>         We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
>     And when in due time the food was all made,
>         It came to the table in a sort of parade.
>     Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
>         And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
>     The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
>         And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
>     And while this went on, we became aware
>         Every diner around us had started to stare.
>     Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
>         Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
>     So much piled up, one dish after the other,
>         My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
>     Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
>         While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
>     We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
>         And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
>     We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
>         Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
>     We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
>         And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
>     We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched.
>         We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.
>     We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
>         And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
>     But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
>         When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
>     And my girlfriend -- well ... she got a real winner;
>         Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
>     Our bellies were full and at last it was time
>         To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
>     Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
>         About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
>     The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
>         As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
>     As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
>        "Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!
>
>_____________
>It is common knowledge that poetry lovers have been frustrated by 
>fact that no poet has chosen to express Jewish themes and feelings in 
>haiku style (three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and  five syllables
>respectively).
>    Filling this gap in poetic literature, David M. Bader has recently 
>written a book entitled, Haikus for Jews. Here are a few examples of his 
>poetry:
>
>   
>   Is one Nobel Prize
>   
>   so much to ask from a child
>   
>   after all I've done?
>   
>   
>   
>   Five thousand years a
>   
>   wandering people-then we
>   
>   found the cabanas.
>   
>   
>   
>   In the ice sculpture
>   
>   reflected bar-mitzvah guests
>   
>   nosh on chopped liver.
>   
>   
>   
>   Beyond Valium,
>   
>   the peace of knowing one's child
>   
>   is an internist.
>   
>  
>   
>   The same kimono
>   
>   the top geishas are wearing-
>   
>   got it at Loehmann's.
>  
>   
>   
>   In a stage whisper
>   
>   a yenta confides the name
>   
>   of her friend's disease
>   
>   
>   
>   New, at Oys "r" Us!
>   
>   Hypochondriac Barbie
>   
>   has a gout attack.
>   
>   
>   
>   Jewish triathlon-
>   
>   gin rummy, then contract bridge,
>   
>   followed by a nap.
>   
>  
>   
>   Looking for pink buds
>   
>   to prune back, the mohel tends
>   
>   his flower garden.
>   
>   
>   
>   Scrabble anarchy
>   
>   after putzhead is placed on
>   
>   a triple-word score.
>   
>   
>  
>   Jewish and slightly
>   
>   dyslexic-I thought I was
>   
>   buying a Chai Pet.
>   
>   
>   
>   The sparkling blue sea
>   
>   beckons me to wait one hour
>   
>   after my sandwich.
>   
>   
>   
>   The wily red fox-
>   
>   at temple, I spy its paws
>   
>   lurking in a stole.
>   
>   
>   
>   Hava nagila,
>   
>   hava nagila, hava-
>   
>   enough already.
>   
>   
>   
>   Would-be convert lost-
>   
>   thawed Lender's Bagels made a
>  
>   bad first impression.
>   
>   
>   
>   Quietly murmured
>   
>   at Saturday services,
>   
>   Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
>   
>   
>   
>   The sparrow brings home
>   
>   too many worms for her young.
>   
>   "Force yourself," she chirps.
>   
>   
>   
>   Today, mild shvitzing.
>   
>   Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
>   
>   Five-day forecast-feh
>   
>   
>   
>   Left the door open .
>  
>   for the Prophet Elijah.
>   
>   Now our cat is gone.
>  
>   
>   
>   The pure white lotus-
>   
>   how rare to glimpse it parked in
>   
>   my neighbor's driveway.
>   
>  
>   
>   The shivah visit-
>   
>   So sorry for your loss.  Now
>   
>   back to my problems.
>   
>   
>   
>   Constipation gas
>   
>   fiber enema-chatting
>   
>   with the mishpocheh.
>   
>   
>   
>   Now that Koreans
>   
>   are "the New Jews,"  the old Jews
>  
>   can leave for Boca.
>   
>   
>   
>   Swollen by spring rain,
>   
>   flowing into inky pools,
>   
>   the varicose vein.
>   
>   
>   
>   Yom Kippur-forgive
>   
>   me, God, for the Mercedes
>   
>   and all the lobsters.
>   
>   
>   
>   Hard to tell under
>   
>   the lights-white Yarmulke or
>   
>   male-pattern baldness?
>   
>   
>   
>   Lonely mantra of
>   
>   the Buddhist monk-"They never
>   
>   call, they never write."
>   
>   
>   
>   Denmark's Jewish prince-
>  
>   "To be or not to be-Oy!
>   
>   Have I got tsuris."
>   
>   
>   
>   "Through the Red Sea costs
>   
>   extra."  Israeli movers
>   
>   overcharge Moses.
>   
>   
>   
>   No fins, no flippers
>   
>   the gefilte fish swims with
>   
>   some difficulty.
>   
>   
>   
>   Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
>   
>   Shlemiel.  Shlimazl.  Tochis.
>   
>   Oy!  To be fluent
> 
> _______________________
>
>
Lori Cahan-Simon

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