[HANASHIR:3192] Delayed reaction

[Ellen Allard <ellen...>]

Dear HN '99,

It is the first Thursday night after HN and yes, it has finally dawned on me.
I will not be celebrating with all of you this Shabbat. Ah, but that is
actually not true. For you will all be with me. So, yes, I do believe that the
community we developed and shared will stay with me always.I do believe that
we made our own small community, though for a short time. But what we shared
will go beyond our being together on the physical plane. How can one forget an
experience like that? During services and also during the wild dancing in the
dining room, I remember looking around, often, sort of like I was a fly on the
wall, and watching everyone and marveling at the awesomeness and the joy and
the seemingly utter abandon. And when I saw that in all of you, I gave myself
permission to let go....to melt and become one with all. That is no easy feat
for someone like me who holds on pretty tight. So, I thank all of you for that 
gift.

This morning, I had a big "AH-HA" moment. I was singing (over and over and
over again like I've been doing since I got home)...."God is in"...thanks
Billy....and I realized that the way I'd been thinking of that phrase took on
a new meaning. You see, I'd been thinking that it meant that God is home...as
in "Anybody home? Are you in?" And also, when something is really cool, you
say it's in, man, you know, really cool....so in this case, God is in and
really cool. Then, I thought, wait a minute, God is in...God is in...OH, now I
get it....God is INSIDE of me. I've been singing this song with my Tot Shabbat
kids about God being inside of all of us....but it didn't really sink in until
this morning. God is inside of me. And you too of course. And everyone and 
everything.

So, what happened as a result of HN?....letting go AND knowing that God is
inside of me....two pretty profound realizations for me. Let me also say that
I seem to have wondered through the last few days as if in a fog, looking at
life through a HN lens. Now, I've been to other retreats before. But this one
was different for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to sing. And I got to spend four +
glorious days singing with 100+ people who love to sing also. 

One more thing before I say goodnight. Guess what I did? Last year, I was
asked to be the music teacher/songleader for a nearby synagogue religious
school. I declined because I felt like I didn't have enough repertoire. Well,
I returned home and called them to see if they needed someone again. I spoke
to the head of the religious school today and we clicked like nobody's
business. And we'll talk again in the next week to confirm details (salary,
schedule etc.). I'm totally psyched.

I'm grateful to have been given the opportunity to be a part of something so
special and will try my best to share it with my part of the world here in
Massachusetts. Till we meet again.....

Fondly, Ellen  (We Sing Shabbat, We Sing Shalom....to you, too Julie
Newman...thanks for thinking of me)

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