--- Begin Message ---
Subject: FW: Purim Voice Mail
Date: Monday, March 16, 1998 4:25 PM
Purim Voice Mail:
1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you
are Orthdox, press6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you
are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionis,
press all the buttons. (DING)
Please hold on while I transfer your call...
Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your
question is that it is forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change
or affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your
question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some
of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has
been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer t your question
is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to
change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionis rabbi. The answer to
your
question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my
rle
is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own
question, please hang up now. (CLICK)
2. Hello. You have reached heaven. All of our angels are currently
busy. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now. Please
press 0 for an employee directory.
Thank you for pressing 0 for the employee directory. If you know the
first three letters of the deity yuo are calling, please enter them
now.
...(click, click, click). We're sorry, you have entered a non-working
name. Please try again (click, click, click). We're sorry; our system
cannot accept G-O-D; please try G-D. (cl-ck, cl-ck, cl-ck).
Hello, this is G-D, I am either away from my desk, or temporarily out
of
heaven. Your call is important to Me, so at the sound of the harp,
please leave your message; I already know your name and number.
3. Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government.
Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for Likud,
press 1-9-7-7; if you are calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are
calling for one of the religious parties, please remember that they do
not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath. If you are in favor of
territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining
all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak to a
civil servant, don't get your hopes up.
4. Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community
Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel,
please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state
separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on
black
Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should
move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in
which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a
boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to
propose a boycott of ABS, CBS, NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you
are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community,
please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency. Have a consensual
day.
Happy Purim!
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