Re: Fwd: Musician Riddles/tcg

[Trudi Goodman <goobietheg...>]

I especially feel that way about piccolo players...especially if they're 
playing for the BSO!
Trudi the G


>From: Lori Cahan-Simon <lsimon (at) SoftHome(dot)net>
>Reply-To: jewish-music (at) shamash(dot)org
>To: World music from a Jewish slant <jewish-music (at) shamash(dot)org>
>Subject: Fwd: Musician Riddles
>Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 21:07:16 -0400
>
>Okay, guys, not much to do with the list, but thought we could all use a
>few laughs.  If you didn't laugh, just delete it already!
>
> >How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
> >Shoot one.
> >
> >What's the definition of a minor second?
> >Two flutists playing in unison.
> >
> >What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
> >Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
> >
> >What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting
> >your pants?
> >Nothing.  Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
> >
> >What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
> >You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
> >
> >Why did the chicken cross the road?
> >To get away from the bassoon recital.
> >
> >Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
> >So they can park in handicapped zones.
> >
> >What's the definition of a nerd?
> >Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
> >
> >What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
> >Gifted.
> >
> >What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
> >You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if
> >you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
> >
> >How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
> >Five.  One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David
> >Sanborn would have done it.
> >
> >If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
> >in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa
> >Claus?
> >The out-of-tune sax player.  Meeting the other two indicates that you're
> >hallucinating.
> >
> >How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
> >Add vibrato.
> >
> >How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
> >Five.  One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much
> >better they could have done it.
> >
> >How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
> >Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
> >
> >What's the definition of a gentleman?
> >Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.
> >
> >What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
> >country singer in the road?
> >Skid marks in front of the snake.
> >
> >What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
> >country singer in the road?
> >The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
> >
> >What's the range of a tuba?
> >About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
> >
> >What's a tuba for?
> >1 1/2" x 3 1/2"
> >
> >Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
> >So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
> >
> >What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
> >A drummer.
> >
> >How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
> >None.  They have machines that do that now.
> >
> >What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
> >"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
> >
> >What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
> >Drool.
> >
> >What's the definition of a quarter tone?
> >A harpist tuning unison strings.
> >
> >Why are a pianists' fingers like lightning?
> >They rarely strike the same spot twice.
> >
> >How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
> >The bow is moving.
> >
> >Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
> >Both are offensive and inaccurate.
> >
> >What do violinists use for birth control?
> >Their personalities.
> >
> >How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
> >Sit in the back and don't play.
> >
> >How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
> >No one knows when to come in.
> >
> >What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
> >The dog knows when to stop scratching.
> >
> >How do you get a violist to play a down bow staccato?
> >Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
> >
> >Why are violins smaller than violas?
> >They are actually the same size.  Violinists' heads are larger.
> >
> >What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
> >The cello burns longer.
> >
> >What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
> >The coffin has the corpse inside.
> >
> >Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
> >So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
> >
> >Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
> >The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
> >
> >How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
> >Even the section notices.
> >
> >How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
> >None.  The piano player can do that with his left hand.
> >
> >How does a soprano change a light bulb?
> >She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.
> >
> >What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
> >You can negotiate with the PLO.
> >
> >What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
> >The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
> >
> >If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end -
> >It would be a good idea.
> >
> >What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
> >A start.
> >
> >What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
> >The bull has the horns in the front and the a** in back.
> >
> >If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
> >hit the ground first?
> >Who cares?
> >
> >What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
> >The sack.
> >
> >Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
> >They've had so little use.
> >
> >A musician calls the symphony office to talk to a conductor.  He's told
> >that the conductor has died, then calls back 25 times, getting the same
> >message each time.  The receptionist asks, "Why do you keep calling?"
> >"I just like to hear you say it."
> >
> >Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
> >To get away from the noise.
> >
> >How do you get a guitar to play softer?
> >Give him a sheet of music.
> >
> >What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
> >When you plug them in, they both suck.
> >
> >How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
> >One, two, three... one, two, three...
> >
> >"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
> >"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
> >
>Lori Cahan-Simon
>
>

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