Fwd: Musician Riddles

[Lori Cahan-Simon <lsimon...>]

Okay, guys, not much to do with the list, but thought we could all use a
few laughs.  If you didn't laugh, just delete it already!

>How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
>Shoot one.
>
>What's the definition of a minor second?
>Two flutists playing in unison.
>
>What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
>Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
>
>What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting
>your pants?
>Nothing.  Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
>
>What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
>You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
>
>Why did the chicken cross the road?
>To get away from the bassoon recital.
>
>Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
>So they can park in handicapped zones.
>
>What's the definition of a nerd?
>Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
>
>What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
>Gifted.
>
>What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
>You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if
>you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
>
>How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
>Five.  One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David
>Sanborn would have done it.
>
>If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
>in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa
>Claus?
>The out-of-tune sax player.  Meeting the other two indicates that you're
>hallucinating.
>
>How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
>Add vibrato.
>
>How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
>Five.  One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much
>better they could have done it.
>
>How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
>Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
>
>What's the definition of a gentleman?
>Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.
>
>What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
>country singer in the road?
>Skid marks in front of the snake.
>
>What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
>country singer in the road?
>The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
>
>What's the range of a tuba?
>About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
>
>What's a tuba for?
>1 1/2" x 3 1/2"
>
>Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
>So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
>
>What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
>A drummer.
>
>How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
>None.  They have machines that do that now.
>
>What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
>"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
>
>What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
>Drool.
>
>What's the definition of a quarter tone?
>A harpist tuning unison strings.
>
>Why are a pianists' fingers like lightning?
>They rarely strike the same spot twice.
>
>How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
>The bow is moving.
>
>Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
>Both are offensive and inaccurate.
>
>What do violinists use for birth control?
>Their personalities.
>
>How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
>Sit in the back and don't play.
>
>How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
>No one knows when to come in.
>
>What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
>The dog knows when to stop scratching.
>
>How do you get a violist to play a down bow staccato?
>Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
>
>Why are violins smaller than violas?
>They are actually the same size.  Violinists' heads are larger.
>
>What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
>The cello burns longer.
>
>What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
>The coffin has the corpse inside.
>
>Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
>So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
>
>Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
>The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
>
>How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
>Even the section notices.
>
>How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
>None.  The piano player can do that with his left hand.
>
>How does a soprano change a light bulb?
>She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.
>
>What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
>You can negotiate with the PLO.
>
>What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
>The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
>
>If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end -
>It would be a good idea.
>
>What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
>A start.
>
>What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
>The bull has the horns in the front and the a** in back.
>
>If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
>hit the ground first?
>Who cares?
>
>What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
>The sack.
>
>Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
>They've had so little use.
>
>A musician calls the symphony office to talk to a conductor.  He's told
>that the conductor has died, then calls back 25 times, getting the same
>message each time.  The receptionist asks, "Why do you keep calling?"
>"I just like to hear you say it."
>
>Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
>To get away from the noise.
>
>How do you get a guitar to play softer?
>Give him a sheet of music.
>
>What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
>When you plug them in, they both suck.
>
>How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
>One, two, three... one, two, three...
>
>"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
>"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
>
Lori Cahan-Simon

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