[HANASHIR:13550] NOTE CUT INITIATIVE (just had to share...)

[K. B. <kbmusic...>]

PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES PLAN FOR NOTE CUT INITIATIVE:  Crawford, TX, 

In an effort to reach out to constituencies outside his traditional power base, 
President George W. Bush today announced a new "note cut" initiative, intended 
to appeal to classical musicians.
Speaking from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President prefaced his remarks 
with some general observations.
 
"Music is a good thing. I like music because I like good things, and music, is 
good for America.  It's fundamentalistic to the American spirit.  
Classically-orientated musicians--the ones that play in orchestras, in the 
churches of this great country of ours, in polka bands, and on the telephone 
when you're put on hold while calling any one of our Fortune 500 companies--are 
especially important, because they play a whole lot of notes.  And these are 
good, American notes, that haven't been genetically altered, which Laura and I 
prize very highly.  As I like to say, what you don't know you have can't hurt 
you if you're not there." 

The President went on to explain the reasons for his new initiative."For too 
long these good musical Americans have been playing lots and lots of notes, and 
haven't been getting anything in return. These notes belong to the American 
people, and it's time to give some of them back."

The administration's plan calls for a one-time refund of 3,000 notes to 
taxpaying and note-playing American classical musicians. Chamber musicians who 
play sonatas together in long-standing legal or church-sanctioned relationships 
are entitled to a refund of 6,000 notes.

String quartets will receive a one-time refund of 10,000 notes, as follows:  
5,000 for first violinists, 3,000 for second violinists, 1,500 for cellists,and 
only 500 for violists..... (hum!)

Already this arrangement has generated considerable controversy, since it 
clearly favors the upper instruments. Pianists are entitled to a 15,000-note 
refund, because in the words of the President, "they play lots and lots and 
lots of notes. Their fingers must be really well oiled.
Those digits can really add up, musicologistically speaking."

Back in Washington, Democrats are already gearing up for a fight. They point to 
the plan's inequitable distribution of notes. Citing the latest figures from 
the music division of the General Accounting Office, they also claim that 
Bush's initiative is musically irresponsible.

Noting recent reports indicating the President's tax refund, in conjunction 
with the sliding economy, has now effectively erased any budget surplus, they 
find parallels in Bush's note-cut initiative. They warn ominously that his plan 
threatens the all-important Musical Security Hemi-, Demi-, and Semi-Quaver 
Reserve.

On Friday. Representative Richard A. Gephardt painted a grim picture of what, 
in Democrats' eyes, the future holds. "Giving musicians notes back doesn't mean 
they're going to use them wisely, and it won't help the nation's musical 
health. We'd run the very real risk of running out of notes."
"Imagine," Gephardt continued, "a Brahms symphony petering out in performance 
for a lack of notes. First thing you know, musicians will be leaving out all 
the fast movements because they don't have enough notes to get through them. 
Mendelssohn will suffer the most, especially the last movement of the octet."
 Apprised of Gephardt's remarks on the way to a pig roast at his ranch, 
President Bush responded, "Nope. Not gonna happen. I intend to be the defense, 
education, and fast-movement president. If Congress minds its musical matters, 
we'll have enough left for Brahms and the Mendelssohn Octagon, too." 

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